People need to understand that no matter how much time, love, or worry you spend on someone they will never belong to you and you will never belong to them. I know it's gruesome. Terrifying. Everyone will die alone, and no one will ever know who you really are, which might just mean that no one will ever love you.
Love, I think or used to think, - I don't know - is just an excuse to have sex with someone. It's a justification of the actions that society says should only be shared between two people. It's just something you tell yourself that you feel in order to not feel ashamed and guilty to have given yourself to someone.
I have no reason to believe that it's not a real emotion. I've seen it a few times up close, but the constant 3-week relationships that claim it almost instantly just deface the meaning of it and I become jaded to those words. Words, words, words, what do they mean? You can hear them, but can you feel them?
I'm ignorant to that two-way feeling and at least I can fess up to that. I'm not going to kid myself and say I've ever truly felt that and I know that I've said it a few times, but it wasn't true and I'm sorry if I let some believe that it was. It never was and never will be for those few.
The relationships that dragged out for so long with no direction, I'm not sorry. I'll be that memory of "Oh, almost!" but honestly, I don't see that. Because now, I know what a real relationship feels like. I only think of those past times as empty spaces in which my mind has blocked out completely - except for now that I'm writing about it. It just needs to be said. In my mind, my past is a clean slate. The things that I said and did and didn't say and didn't do mean nothing.
It's right here and right now, whatever it is and whatever it's not. It's okay with me. I don't know what I'm saying. This isn't a confessional by any means - just random statements and confirmations.
Tags: Relationships And Love
